


eight hundred.

by goglz



Category: Splatoon
Genre: POV First Person, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:28:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23260975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goglz/pseuds/goglz
Summary: “you, who i love with every fiber of my being, all i wanted was to be with you and never leave…”Skull reminisces.
Relationships: Army/Skull (Splatoon)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	eight hundred.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: s/h and s//cide, stay safe!  
> not a songfic.

It’s been a year. A year since he left. I never did get to say my final goodbyes. I chickened out at the last second because I was too scared. I can’t spend a day without regretting it again and again. I didn’t want to cry. I can’t cry. Everyone berated me about it. I couldn’t handle it. He wouldn’t want me to, but I… Even after he’s gone, I still can’t stop disappointing him. All the scars on my arms keep opening up. I miss him. I miss him so much. I don’t talk about him anymore, but that’s because I can’t even think about him without having a meltdown. 

He’d want me to move on already. But how? I stare down at my bloodied hands, box cutter on the counter. God, I just want him back. It hurts, but it’s the only semblance of feeling I get anymore. The gashes all over my hand serve as a reminder that I can’t do anything right. I have to rely on someone else to be happy. How fucking pathetic, right? I haven’t talked to anyone in months. I’ve only called Avi all this time, even then I only picked up when I felt like I could handle it. I’d be stable for him. Just so he wouldn’t worry.

I press down on my hand and blood gushes out. As expected. I’m still alive. _I’m still alive._ How I wish I weren’t. But suicide is never the answer, right? Avi tries drilling that into my thick fucking head everytime he calls. I guess it’s working. I’m hungry. Do I even have any food in the house? I’ve gotten weaker these past few months. Haha. I finally wash off the blood that’s starting to dry on my hand, bandaging myself so the cuts can heal. I wash the cutter too. Not a fan of gross blades. I leave the bathroom, picture frame on the nightstand still facing downwards as always. I can’t stand looking at that smile anymore.

...I want to smile again. Just once would be fine. The world doesn’t work like that though, now does it? I open the fridge. Not much here. But hey, at least none of it’s out of date. I take the small cup of pudding from the door pocket and eat it in one go. Doesn’t taste like anything. It’s my favourite brand, yet I can’t taste that sweetness I used to love. What an empty life I live now. Someone’s ringing the doorbell. Wonder who it is. I throw away the empty cup and I go to answer the door. It would be rude to leave them waiting, right? I pull up my bandanna.

I open the door and I’m greeted by Aloha. Haven’t seen you in months, he says. What’s wrong, he asks. He looks concerned. Do I really look that bad? I tell him nothing’s wrong. Even if he can see my freshly bandaged hand. He doesn’t ask about it. As he hands me a plastic bag, he shoots me a look of pity, almost. Thanks, ‘Lo. I ask him what’s in the bag, and he tells me it’s food. I thank him. He waves me goodbye, wishing me all the best. I say goodbye too. If he’s given me curry, I’m going to actually go ballistic. I peek in the bag after I close the door. It’s not. It’s… a bento box. How considerate. Did he make this? I need to return the box after, though. Oh well. We don’t have S4 meetings anymore. For obvious reasons. That means… I’d have to actually visit him so I can give it back.

I wonder if I can even make it all the way to his doorstep. I haven’t been outside in a while. I don’t even exercise anymore. I could ask Avi to help me. Maybe. I eat the food without much trouble. Still bland, unfortunately. Sigh. I keep my bandanna off at home still, just to pretend that he’s going to come home any second. He always asked me to leave it off so he could kiss me whenever he wanted. My vision’s blurring. I wipe away the tears with my free hand, but they keep coming. I’m worthless. I can’t move on. All his old gear is still in his room, hell, even all the manuals he’s filled over the years are in there. I don’t want to look. I don’t want to think.

Ring, ring. Avi? Yeah, it’s me, he answers. I thought I didn’t say that out loud. I’m getting delirious. He asks about my day, and I purposefully leave out that I put a blade to my skin. If he sees the bandage later, I’ll just say I dropped a glass and accidentally put my hand on the shards. I don’t cut parallel lines just for that reason. I can practically hear him nod as he listens to me talk. What did I do to ever deserve a friend like him? I lie to him but he still stays. He tries to make me stop lying, even. I’m guilty. I should tell him the truth... He always asks if he can come over but I can’t bring myself to say yes yet. He tells me about his day, too. He talks more than I do, but that’s because he still has a life and I don’t. 

Avi talks about the pretty sights he saw today, and I wish I could match his enthusiasm. I know he’s trying his best. He can definitely hear the break in my voice as I make sure he knows I’m still listening. He asks if I’m okay. Honestly, no. And he can’t do much to fix this. I answer him vaguely. He groans, asking for a clear response. I say no. I don’t want to lie to him anymore, I’ve decided. Better tell the truth while I can still speak, right? Of course, he asks me what’s wrong. ‘Everything’ is too broad, so I just say that I’ve been having thoughts again. He recognizes immediately what I’m trying to say.

He reassures me that it wasn’t my fault. It sure feels like it. I couldn’t even look at _him_ for the last time. Hell, Avi even saw me hesitate before staying in my seat. How shameless of me, right? I deserved getting an earful from his father. The man even blamed me for not protecting his son. How could I have known? I didn’t take his life, but he still smeared the blood all over my fucking hands. I’m crying on call again. I always do this to him. I murmur out apologies as I try to collect myself, and he says that it’s okay. That it’s fine. I can’t keep doing this, can I? He tells me to just let all my feelings out. I do. Or at least the ones I can let out, anyway.

I feel worse after crying. I need a nap. He says he’s got something to do, but I can call him in an hour if I still need anything from him. I say sorry again as he hangs up. It’s getting a bit late. Maybe I should just go to sleep. I put my phone away to charge, going back to the bathroom so I can change my bandages. The wounds still look awful. I don’t really have anything for them, so I’ll have to leave them alone. Not like it’s going to matter soon, anyway. I go to bed, but I toss and turn the whole night.

I fall unconscious at some point and wake up at 9 AM. I guess I’ll give Aloha the lunchbox now. Not really fun going to pick up a lunch box at a dead man’s house, right? I take the train to his house. Wild how he lives in such a noisy place. He makes banter with me as he answers the door. His attention’s needed elsewhere though, so he takes the box graciously and tells me to take care before I leave. Not much care to take if you die, but the sentiment is appreciated anyway. I go back home and tidy the house one last time.

It’s how he would have wanted it, right? I send Avi my last words through text and tell him where the spare key is in case he needs anything. I can’t record a voice note right now. I rifle through Army’s room, I swear it’s in here somewhere… I find a half-empty ink tank. It has his ink in it. My hands jitter uncomfortably. I’m actually doing this. His N-ZAP’s right there, too, but I think I’ll just use my E-liter. I’d just be spitting on him if I used his weapon too.

My phone buzzes and starts ringing, but I don’t answer. Not when my hands are full. I almost can’t hear it. I take aim at myself. I actually smile. Unbelievably, I’m smiling in the face of certain death. I’m sorry I couldn’t stick around for our friends a bit longer. See you soon, my love. 


End file.
